DEAR ALIEN NARRATOR

Having problems with romance, love, sex, reproduction, or just about anything else? Why not get a galactic point of view on your woes? Simply drop an e-mail to our Alien Narrator and he'd be happy to solve any and all of your human mishaps. Remember to begin with "dear alien narrator" or he won't respond. He's kind of anal that way.

Dear alien narrator,

My boyfriend and i have a problem. We have been together 2 months on the 8th of August. He loves me with all his heart. so he says. I love him also, well at least i think i do. We get into fights over stupid things all the time! whenever he comes over. He takes things personal. I try talking to him. I dont know what to do. I really dont know if i love him anymore. My passion for him is getting low. He is such a great guy. He is sweet as can be. I never had a guy who treats me as good as he does. I want to love him. I want someone who treats me like they really care and love me. Thats how my boyfriend treats me. What can i do? Will this pass over? Will i love him as much as i want? Will we ever stop fighting? I need your help. Please!

    Sincerly,
     Jessica Blevins

Dear Jessica,

      We are sorry but the alien narrator has taken a brief hiatus as he has been swallowed by a rather large space monster on the outskirts of the Helabplchda star system. We expect him to return as soon as the monster poops, but we know little of the creature's digestive system.

      Until then, I'm sure he would wish you the best of luck in all your mating endeavours.

I watched your documentary film and thought it was astounding work in the field !!

It really brings things into perspective for me that Human Beings are animals as well on the planet Earth.

I have a inquiry that I would like to present to you if I may...

At my work place I am surrounded by women. Also men as well, but the population is higher in women. There is one woman whom I have worked together with, and also participated in activities outside of work. Non-sexual activities.

My inquiry is this: when ever I am around this woman, I get very nervous and I don't know why.

I am around many women at work, and I am not nervous around them as I am with this woman in particular. What is going on.

I would appreciate your input from your expertise.

Thank you.

     - Mr. Nervous

Dear Nervous,

You have not given me much information to go on, but let me take a stab at your problem nonetheless.

You are clearly smitten with the lady. Your anxiety springs from your inability to begin a mating ritual with her. You believe that anything you say to her will most likely be stupid, and any action you take to impress her will be viewed as pathetic.

Unfortunately, you are probably right. Given that you didn't even know you liked her, I see slim chance in you ever getting her, or anyone, into bed.

Therefore, my best advice to you is to remember that your planet is already over-crowded, and that you will be doing future generations a great service by surrendering yourself to a quiet life of masturbation.

I hope I was close.




Dear Alien Narrator,

I am a college student in a very small college town where it is impossible to get anything other than groceries. One of the best quotes I have ever heard is from your documentary, and I would like to be able to write it down, since I cannot remember it word-for-word. However, I cannot get rent it at the video store since I am stuck here in the middle of nowhere. So I was wondering if you could tell me the exact words of that set of lines that says something like, "why do they say, sells like hotcakes? the phrase should be, sells like rubbers!"... If you could tell me that, that would be great! Thanks,

     - Stuck in the middle of nowhere with no way out

Dear Nowhere,

On behalf of the makers of this film, we would like to thank you for your kind words. We are all very flattered that you enjoyed our film so much that you would wish to quote a specific line. But is there only one line you would like to quote? Perhaps there are two or three other lines you would like to repeat to your friends as well. If you leave your email address, we can send you ALL the specific lines you'd like. But why stop there? Perhaps you found the entire film quotable. In that case, maybe we should send you the full screenplay. Perhaps you would like all the principal players to sign their name to the script, along with a brief note telling you how wonderful you are. It will take much time and effort to track them all down, but certainly you're worth it. But maybe that's not enough either. Surely, there are other films that you have enjoyed. Perhaps we ought to send you those screenplays, too -- along with signed messages from their players telling you how wonderful you are. Come to think of it, even bad films can have one or two quotable lines. Perhaps we should send you the screenplay of every movie that's ever been made, along with signed messages from the players telling you how wonderful you are. But wait! What about all the thousands of screenplays that are written each year that never get made? They, too, may have quotable lines. Perhaps we should send you those as well, along with signed messages from all the people who rejected them, telling you how wonderful you are.

Or, you could just buy the video online at Amazon.com.

Thank you again for your kind words.





dear alien narorator

me and my girlfriend are only 13 and we had sex but it was awsome but i think i got her pregnent her stomach has gotten bigger and she is relly skinny and small but now she is bigger and she is alot meaner and its been months and she gets bigger . her dad is big and he is not the nice kind of guy so what should i do ? HELP ME , I

     - CANT LIVE LIKE THIS
Dear Can't Live,

There is an expression on my planet that sums up your situation to a tee. Loosely translated, it goes like this:

"Boy, are you fucked."

From the way you describe your girlfriend, her father most likely already knows. Your best bet is to pray that your girl had been cheating on you with your best friend so that you could blame it all on him.

Short of that, I would suggest investing in a good pair of running shoes and get your butt out of town.

Good luck.





Wass up man..

Well I have a problme with a girls who wants me and I´m want her..

But I´m too shy......

I try to send it mssges from icq..

I another user name..obvius..

And she respond me with another name ..I´m shure

Tell me what I can do to get her..

Tell me your galactics secrets.. :)

See you..

     - Albert

Albert did not address his letter with "dear alien narrator" as instructed, so he has been abducted by citizens of my planet and sold into slavery to the Frog-people of Alpha Centauri where he will groom lily-pads until he dies a broken, wart-infested, old man. He has been replaced with a perfect bionic duplicate who speaks and spells as atrociously as the original. Do not make any physical contact with this being for he sweats frog saliva and you will get warts.

Don't fuck with me, folks.





Dear Alien Narrator,

I am a female in my 20's, who only once a few years ago came kind of close to mating. Well I only seen this guy a few times and it seems that I have like in common with him. The problem is he is dating my friend, who dosen't to have much in common with him as I do. I would like to seem them break up, but always try to keep them togther since I would like to seem both of them happy. I told my friend how I fell but should I tell him, or wait for someone else to come along?

     - To tell or not to tell

Dear Tellornot,

Waiting for another may prove fruitful, or you may end up a cold and lonely spinster with many cats. On the other hand, succumbing to your basest instincts to sabotage their relationship would only demean yourself; while expressing your true feelings to the male will only force him to make a choice and cause ill will between you and your friend. Nonetheless, your situation is not hopeless. In fact, given the affection that abounds among the three of you, your solution is clear. Simply put, you must give yourself to them both simultaneously, wildly and freely, and immerse yourself in what the French of your species call a "ménage a trois." I am quite certain that you and your friend will both produce many offspring, and have a high old time in the process.

Please notify us of your success for we would like to film your tri-mating rituals for our archives, as well as making a tidy profit from it on the world wide web.

Dear Alien Narrator,

I am totally in love with this female in my school. She is beautiful and hot and we have lots of good conversations too. I know she likes me because she wouldn't hang out with me so much at school if she didn't, but when I asked her to go to a movie with me she said she only wants to be friends. I don't want to be just friends, I want to mate with her. How do I change her mind?

     - Not Friends

Dear Not Friends,

In this universe, we must all learn to use what we have. Some males are buff and athletic. Others are rich and powerful. Still others are smart and witty. You seem to be none of these. But what you do have is an ability to be liked by desirable females, therefore that is the quality you must use. Ask her out again. If she repeats her answer, remind her that friends go to movies together. After the movie, ask her out for a drink. (If you are too young to frequent a bar, take her to a park for marijuana or the illegal substance of her choice.) If she puts up any resistance, remind her that friends have drinks (or whatever) together. Once she is appropriately at ease, make your move. If she once again brings up her objection, remind her that friends do mate together. If that fails, beg and cry. Pity mating may not be the optimum way to go, but it is highly preferable to one's own hand. If she is a true friend, she will willingly try to ease your pain.

Once you're there, be a gentleman. If you remember the age old adage of "lady's first," she will be yours for a long time to come.





Dear Alien Narrator,

The members of my pack and I have recently viewed your ground-breaking and insightful documentary on the mating habits of our species. We are wondering if there is a consuming-fermented-grain-game that accompanies this film. If not, we will produce our own. Thank you muchly.

     - Fermented in Ohio

Dear Fermento,

Yes, there most certainly is and it goes like this: First, representatives of both genders must be present. Second, it is best to stock up on an abundance of fermented grain before beginning. To play, the male begins the movie by pressing the power switch on his audio-visual system. Then he must convince the female to consume as much fermented grain as she can without losing consciousness. Making a series of romantic toasts to encourage her consumption is one popular strategy; filling up her glass when she's not looking is yet another. If mating occurs that evening, both players win and and get to "go again." If the fermented grain gets the better of either player, both lose and they should probably change partners. We call this game "get-her-drunk-and-have-your-way-with-her", and most humans find it quite titillating. Enjoy.



Dear Alien Narrator,

Junior year of High school, I found myself liking a girl who i barely even knew. The next day one of her friends asked me out for her. I then had a family problem in which I dont want to discuss. I then asked the girl out at the end of junior year of high school and she said no. I learned senior year that it was a trick played by the girl who I liked and a weird girl in my hotel class. Would this happen anyway if I had been with this girl?

     - Burned

Dear Burned,

One can't deny the possibility that your female was fond of you at first and  only turned on you because of what she perceived as rejection.   So let us explore the potential consequences had you asked her out when you should have.   You may have spent months  upon months of buying her dinners and flowers, enjoy her sparkling wit and sensual smell.   It may have blossomed into that wonderful Autumn romance when male and female together marvel at the changing colors of the leaves on the trees, then mate one starry evening  high on a hill.   You may have gone on to college together, resisting the temptation of mating with others, that being the depth of your love for one another.  You may have married shortly thereafter and each had a thriving, fulfilling career because of the confidence you gained from the other's selfless support.   You would have reproduced several healthy cubs, who would in turn spawn you many wonderful grandcubs.   Against all odds, yours would be the marriage that would last until you one day died blissfully in each others arms in your sleep. But worry not.  I doubt she ever liked you anyway.



Dear Alien Narrator,

I recently watched the documentary you narrated and was wondering if you would like to answer a question for me.  I am a musician (entertainer) traveling with a group of other musicians.  I meet many members of the opposite sex who would like to mate with me, but once I leave my seed with them, I never hear from the female again.  How do I know if I am fulfilling my seed's destiny?

     -JamesJamesJames

Dear James x 3,

There are many approaches one can take to achieve such a task.   I shall randomly select one of them for you. Phone the female and ask her. If you have problems carrying this out, write back and I will be happy to give you further options.



Dear Alien Narrator:

My girlfriend, who is now my ex-girlfriend, broke up with me swearing that we'd get back together, but I'm not so sure what I should do now. Do you think that I should wait around for her and just hold on to the hope that we'll get back one day, or go out and live my life in the hopes of finding a new romantic interest? E~Mail me back with the answer.

Truly,
     -Insane in the Membrane


Dear Insane,

Many Earthbound problems have come to me since the movie (which you should see, I noticed you didn't comment on it,) but none with such an obvious solution as yours. You should be ashamed to call yourself human for not having figured this one out for yourself. Assume she's gone, copulate with as many females as you possibly can. If you happen to fancy one of them when she replies, the hell with her for being so neurotic. However, if she does return and you have not done any better, tell her how much you've missed her and how you love her so - all the while admitting that you waited.

Now, honestly, didn't you already know that?



Dear Alien Narrator,

I am completely enamored with a very attractive girl in school. I just found out from her that she really likes me back and would go out with me right away if not for the fact that one of her friends likes me as well. She feels it would be an act of betrayal. I dislike this other girl very strongly and don't want to lose my chance with the girl I like. What should I do?      -Desired but Blocked


Dear Blockhead,

Your first course of action is to be honest and sincere. Inform your true mate of your true feelings. Let her know how much she means to you, how she may be "the one," and that you can't sleep nights for dreaming of her. Then, as gently and as tactfully as you possibly can, confess that you are simply not attracted to her friend. Acknowledge that her friend is undoubtedly a wonderful person, but you simply can't control the direction in which your soul takes you. If this human female you desire is of any true value, she will melt at your sincerity and take you into your heart. If she doesn't, the hell with her and do the friend till the cows come home.

Have fun.

Dear Alien Narrator,

Recently, I told a guy that I was interested in him, that I'd been interested in him for over a year, but hadn't worked up the courage to say anything. We went out once, to a movie, and I realized that he didn't like me in that way at all. So I tried to put him out of my head. I tried, and tried and tried....but I still think of him constantly and, corny though it may be, I go all a flutter when I'm near him. What can I do?

     -Hopelessly Devoted

Dear Hopeless,

Examine first what you were wearing. Human clothing has a language all its own, and less material combined with more skin showing reads as a friendly "hello-I-am-ready" to the human male. If, perchance, you were overdressed, you must remedy this situation immediately. Return to him wearing a two-piece swimwear, (if you live in a winter climate, thigh high leather boots may be added.) When he sees that you are ready to reproduce, he will undoubtedly change his ways. Remember, the way to a man's heart is through his penis. Let him take care of dinner.





Dear Alien Narrator,

I have recently developed strong feelings for my girlfriend and I really want to go farther with her than I am now, which is barely even kissing. It seems that she is being overly cautious. I really like her and she really likes me, so I don't want to screw it up and make her think that I just want to be physical with her. How can I make her forgo her cautiousness and want me far more sexually than she does now?

     -Befuddled but Worried

Dear Fuddled,

There are many ways to encourage the shy human female to mate. The first, and perhaps the most reliable (at 83.982%) is to show her that you have tremendous wealth. Several million dollars often does the trick. This, of course, is difficult if you don't have it. The second most reliable (at 53.656%) is physical appearance. Lose weight if you have too much, or gain muscle if you are scrawny. You may also combine this approach with pursuing other women. Your chances of success increase by a factor of 10. And if you fail, at least you got it from someone.



Dear Alien Narrator,

My boyfriend and I fight all the time. We have very little in common, and he's often quite a jerk. I think he feels the same way about me. But the sex is great! I am quite experienced in that area, but I have never had anything like this guy. My friends all say I should leave him, but I can't bring myself to it. What do I do?

     -Sexual dynamo

Dear Dynamo,

Any friend who advises you to avoid great mating has clearly never experienced it themselves. Your solution, however, is simple. You and your boyfriend must each find another mate, ideally one who is quadrapalegic and unable to mate themselves. Explain to them your situation and how you will love them forever if they grant you permission to see your present mate and fuck each other's brains out. You can have your cake and eat it, too. And eat you will if you follow my advice.



Dear Alien Narrator,

hey, how are you, well my problem is that i can only seem
to attract young stupid men coz im an 18 yr old model, they
seem to assume i am stupid as well. I want an intelligent
guy of about 40 so why cant i find one, should i change my
career?
lots of love
     -spacekitten***


Dear Kitten,

If you truly are truly an eighteen year old model and having difficulty finding a forty year old man, you must not be as intelligent as you think you are. Nonetheless, keep your job, and I will instruct you. Go to the bar of a trendy upscale restaurant at the end of a normal business day. Dress trashy, but not too trashy or you will be offered money for your services. Smile at every man there. If one smiles back, slowly lick your lips and mouth the words, "take me, you freak." Keep your conversation light and naughty. Only after you have mated is it time to impress him with your intelligence. Anything earlier will result in him mumbling agreement while staring down your shirt. Good luck, and let me know how it goes.



Dear Alien Narrator,

i met this girl in a chat room and we really hit it off. she told me how beautiful she was and we arranged a meeting. when i got there, she wasn't anything like she said. she was fat and pimply and really gross so i left and told her on the chat room i got busy and couldn't show up. i really like talking to her but i so don't wanna date her. what should i do?
     -horny with taste

Dear Horny,

It seems to me you have everything under control. Well done.




Dear Alien Narrator,
I am having difficulty decoding the male member of my species--well, one in particular. About six months ago, this male whom I have known for sometime asked me out although he never called it a "date." Since that time, we have been "going out" two to three times a week including dinner with each set of our respective parents, a party at my boss's house, and a day trip to another city which included a detour to the home in which I grew up and another dinner with my parents. However, in this six months, he has engaged in NONE of the normal pre-mating rituals even though I have given him ample opportunity to do so. What do you suggest?

     -Irritated in Indy

Dear Irritating,

I can only assume that when you say "none of..." that you mean, gulp, sex! Feel free to say the word, it's a good word. There are three possibilities of what's going on, and only one way to discover which is true.. After a pleasant dinner, invite him back to your place for drinks. Then, rip off your clothes and say, "take me you animal, you." If nothing transpires from that, release him from your libodial mind. He is clearly homosexual, impotent, or you are ugly. For your own state of mind, opt for the first two, and try this approach again with some other male. I assure you it will eventually achieve the neccessary results.



Dear Alien Narrator,

I met a guy, and we really connect. We both have similar interests, including the want to tickle each other crazy! But everywhere we go, people give us odd looks and stares, and both of us have multiple roommates, thus preventing privacy in our own homes. Can you reccomend a place with lots of privacy (and enough space to tie each other up in?)

Regards,
     -Curious in Centaurus

Dear Curious,

I am surprised at you. You are an earthling, yet you seem to have never heard of a motel. If you don't own a car, a cheap hotel will do as well. If you can't afford either, a park. I certainly appreciate your letter, but give me a challenge. You know what to do. Grow up.






Dear Alien Narrarator,

I recently got over a very long crush I had on a friend of mine. I realized I was over her once I started going out to talk to other women. Once I realized this, and consequently realized I had wasted 2 years of sexual energy on fruitless inaction, I felt depressed. Then I realized that it was she who had missed out on the great prize that I am. This revelation filled me with great joy. Such joy in fact that I walked up to her at a recent party, completely sober, and laughed in her face. Then I told her why. I said, "Because I used to have a crush on you and now I'm over it and You Missed Out." Then I laughed again. Was I to blunt?
Sincerely yours,

     -Regretting My Big Ass Mouth.

Dearest Big Ass,

What power over you does this female have to make you act so cub-like? Of all the creatures in the known universe only the Tklsmshnplians are so vulgar and petty, except when they put on beauty pageants in which case they are quite graceful, but I digress.

What power over you does this female have? Clearly, you want to impregnate her even though she searches for a partner with superior genes. Your only hope for true happiness is to impregnate countless others while fantasizing over the one you lost. However, this should not make you feel bad. Many of your world leaders have done just that.




Dear Alien Narrator,

My husband and I have been trying to get me pregnant for some time now, but with no success. We've tried everything but nothing seems to work. What do you suggest?
     -scared to be barren

Dearest Barren,

You must taste of your male's seed to determine if his semen is healthy and able to produce a cubling. If your male fails, you must free yourself from him and find another mate. No matter how difficult this may be, you must remember it is for the good of your species. If, however, the male passes your test, you can rest assured that the fault lies with you and all is hopeless.



Dear Alien Narrator -

Lately, I have been having some sexual feelings about members of my own gender - will this impede my ability to breed? I don't think I could mate for life with anyone who has different equipment than I do. Please tell me how to have the best of both worlds!
     -Ionia

Dearest Iona,

Generally, honesty is the best policy. Tell your breeding partner about your true desires, then ask him if he'd like to watch. If he salivates excitedly, your problem is solved. If he reacts with horror and disgust, calmly state, "Just kidding," then go behind his back. Again, problem solved.


Dear Alien Narrator -

Sometimes, well, all the time, I have trouble becoming aroused when my stupid boyfriend tries to have fumbling, loveless sex with me. It could be because I am utterly repulsed by him, or just three years of built up resentment due to his passive aggressive, utterly lame nature. Do you think I should use a more effective lubricant?
     -Stupid in Seattle

Dearest Stupid,

I think you should use a more effective boyfriend.



Dear Alien Narrator -

I've just met someone really special, someone who actually makes me feel good about myself, is a joy to be with, and seems as smitten by me as I am by him. Sounds perfect, right? But I am worried that I am too obsessed with marriage to have a proper go with this guy - he's the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don't want to blow it just because he is exactly what I wish to be with the rest of my life. How do I hide my wedding fantasy and just enjoy what I have?
     -Adoring on Alpha Centauri

Dearest Adoring,

Once again, the human propensity for extinction rears its ugly head. The best way to curb your matrimonial desires is to focus on your new mate's bad points. What is his breath like in the morning? Does he have any hairy moles? Does his laughter sound like a coopful of sick poultry? Does he pick his nose or fart in fancy restaurants? Make him very angry and see what he does? Is he a screamer or a whiner? Is he violent or just a big cry baby? Eventually, you will be so disgusted by him that marriage will be the last thing you would want, and then you can enjoy true happiness.



Dear Alien Narrator,

I'm gay. My boyfriend keeps looking at other men. What can I do to stop him?

     -Michael


Dearest Michael,